“How can exercise be bad when it makes me feel good?”
I get this question a lot in therapy. It’s a good question. How CAN exercise be bad? There is so much evidence as to how exercise is good for your health (My clients quote this to me all the time). I get it. I used to run every day. For years. I ran. Every. Day. Unlike some recovering exercise bulimics, I didn’t run for exorbitant amounts (deliberately leaving out numbers to not be triggering, but let’s just say I wasn’t going to be up for a half marathon much less a full one). So why do I consider it was “exercise bulimia”? Exercise bulimia is a lay term for an aspect of what can often be part of an eating disorder, whether it be anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating. Peach Friedman, a yoga teacher and former self-identified “exercise addict” describes it like this:
There are a lot of different catchphrases being used to describe the same thing: exercise bulimia, obligatory exercise, compulsive exercise. They get at the point that the person is exercising in such a way that if you took it away, they'd feel stranded and go through withdrawal anxiety. *
She further goes on to identify 5 symptoms of this kind of exercise, including:
“a devotion to a regimented form of exercise (the same machine, the same gym, same time every day, no flexibility), excessively exercising and intense fear of states of relaxation, prioritization of exercise over all other activities (including family birthdays, dating and work), equating your identity with exercise ("I do not know who I would be without it"), and, finally, motivation by guilt, fear, anxiety or punishment (“I'm exercising today because I feel I have not earned my dinner," or “eating cake equals more running.”). *
One criteria for many mental health problems is often: does it interfere with normal functioning? In other words, does it interfere with your work, school, sleep, normal activities, eating, or relationships? Does it prevent you from engaging in other everyday activities that are required (parenting, bathing/showering, paying bills, eating regular meals, attending social events, grocery shopping, performing job or school functions, etc.)? Here are some examples of how exercise compulsion interferes with normal functioning from clients I have worked with over the years:
I can’t go on vacation with my family because my husband booked us a hotel without a gym. I go crazy if I don’t work out at the gym every day.
If I eat dessert, I have to work out the next day. I can’t eat dessert if I don’t work out.
I can’t just “go for a walk.” What is the point of a walk? It doesn’t burn any calories. Might as well just eat a galleon of ice-cream and lay on the couch all day!
I can’t take days of rest off between days in which I exercise.
I am not willing to eat more food on the days that I exercise.
I need to exercise, even if I am tired or injured.
Why Exercise Addiction is Hard to Break
Here’s the thing with exercise bulimia (that’s different from the throwing-up-in-the-toilet form of purging): it (sometimes) feels good. While purging in the bathroom can feel shameful, exercise bulimia can feel like a hard-won accomplishment of which to be proud. People praise exercise. “Oh you’re so good for going for a run!” However, if you are exercising to get rid of some part of yourself, or run away from something, or burn something off, the-part-of-you-that-knows is aware of it. That inner knowing part-of-you lives underneath the shame (and the pride). Under the anxiety, the fear, the running, the bingeing, purging, bingeing, or restricting is an inner wisdom that lives in your body. If you are always running, you won’t be able to access this part of you.
Finding Joy in Movement
In the Health At Every Size (HAES)® principles** that are so aligned with eating disorder recovery, health includes “finding joy in moving one’s body and being physically active.” Note that it doesn’t say: Exercise in this way, for this amount of time, this many days per week. It doesn’t say “Do this in order to weigh this amount or look like this, because that is what it should look like.” Nor does it say, “Do this kind of exercise because it is what is best for everyone.” It certainly doesn’t say “you should be this size to do this kind of exercise” or “you should do this kind of exercise to make your body into this kind of shape.” It says health includes finding joy in moving one’s body. Let that sink in. Finding joy. In your body. And moving, not running away from, it. (“It” being both your body and joy.)
For some clients with whom I work, that means yoga. Not yoga in a bikini where everyone is comparing-and-despairing about the size of their butt and trying not to pass out from the heat. Yoga for every body size and shape because-it’s-not-about-the-size-of-your-body yoga. For some clients with whom I work, it means re-integrating the kind of exercise they used to do in a different way. Maybe it is running, but with a friend, with music, and not every day. Maybe it is swimming or dancing non-competitively. Maybe it is taking a Hip-hop class. Or going back to a dance or yoga class without mirrors. And not every day. Maybe it is walking instead of running. Maybe it is going for a hike. Maybe it is not exercising at all for a period of time. Maybe it is cancelling your gym membership. (I have helped many people do this. It is possible. While you are at it, I encourage you to smash your scale. Scales are for fish.) Maybe it is finding other ways to be present in your body but not through exercise. Jes Baker, in her body acceptance journey, writes about finding peace in her body not through exercise, but through acupuncture. She writes about not exercising/moving in a way that is designed to lose weight and therefore hate/get rid of parts of herself. She writes:
Physical health? I am still trying to sort out the lies created by medical institutions from the truths my body is trying to tell me. I’m still healing from every form of movement in my life having been a disguised way to lose weight and reinforce that I was a physical disgrace. I’m still trying to differentiate between moving for happiness and exercising to change my body. I’m still unable to mend those enormous broken bridges. ***
But isn’t exercise is one of the best anti-depressants?
Exercise is one of the best ways to create “endogenous opioids” (in other words, feel-good chemicals that your own body makes rather than you put into your body from drugs). Exercise increases blood flow to the brain, releases endorphins, and increases serotonin, a neurotransmitter that can lift your mood. *** Exercise can also be helpful for managing anxiety, blood sugar levels, and stress. Exercise can make you feel strong and competent in your body. Exercise can increase your motivation and sense of overall well-being. Exercise can help you sleep better and assist in managing stress.
Here are some examples of what exercise cannot provide: healing deep grief, completing working through trauma, fixing your marriage or your family relationships, treatment for your eating disorder, giving you the “perfect” body, turning your postpartum or middle-aged body back into what your body was when you were twenty, “fixing” parts of yourself that you hate, creating the secure feeling that you are loved and lovable in this world. Given that, here are some questions you can explore with your treatment team and your own inner guide on your journey to finding what works for you. Note: finding what works for you can be different at different times in your recovery.
Questions to Ask When Incorporating- or Pausing- Exercise in Your Recovery:
· Do I have an injury or a medical problem that requires I rest/not exercise in order to heal?
· Is there something I am trying to “work out,” “get rid of,” or “run away from” that instead needs tending to?
· What kind of movement do I enjoy?
· In what environment am I least likely to compare and despair?
· What exercise fits best into the whole of my life?
(For example, going on a walk with another mom with strollers might be more realistic postpartum than going to the gym, or perhaps you can go for a family hike)· What exercise is sustainable and moderate for me?
(Training for a marathon is not sustainable, going for a 30-minute walk 3 times per week is.)· Am I willing to eat more in order to provide and sustain the energy I need to exercise?
These are questions to consider as you look at your relationship with exercise in your recovery. Because the whole point of recovery, in my opinion, is to live in your body, not run away from it. I don’t run away from or try to run off parts of my body like I used to fifteen years ago. However, after a break, I was able to re-integrate running- and other forms of exercise- into my life! My body is a bit saggy-er. It’s also not as tired, better fed, and feels more joy. I learned how to dance in my thirties! I try to fit yoga and hiking in, now. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn’t. That’s ok. Because life fills me up now. My life is full. My life feeds me. So, when I go for a run, it’s because I’m moving my body with joy, not running away from the pain.
References:
* Zinco, Carolyn, “Too much exercise became an addiction: Five Questions, An Interview with Peach Friedman,” SFGate.com, December 28, 2008.
**To learn more about Health At Every Size (HAES) and/or HAES principles, go to: https://haescommunity.com
***Baker, Jes, Land Whale: On Turning Insults into Nicknames, Why Body Image Is Hard, and How Diets Can Kiss My Ass (Seal Press, 2018).
****Small, Gary, MD “Can Exercise Cure Depression? Exercise releases endorphins, the body’s very own natural antidepressant,” Psychology Today.com,Sep 25, 2010.
