Please don’t say this… 4 Myths about Grief
We are all grievers and grief-adjacent people because we will all face grief and death in our lives. Everyone we know will also face it. Grief and death are universal experiences. Because we live in a grief and death illiterate culture, this is not the messaging we receive. The messaging is that this is something other people face, when they are over 85, or a trauma happens to them. And then we think “Oh, that is sad for them, hopefully they will ‘move on,’ and ‘closure’ will happen at the 1-year mark.” Here are some thoughts about these myths.
Please don't say this.
The myth that you will "move on" from grief, and that is the goal, is a common one. Many non-grievers think “isn't it just semantics to say, ‘move forward’ instead of 'move on'?" (With the subtext being aren’t those grief people being a bit sensitive, high maintenance, and Debbie Downer?) Thankfully, wise grief-adjacent people don’t say this thought out loud. Because often, what the griever hears when you say, “It’s time for you to move on,” is “it’s time for you to stop thinking about, talking about, and loving your person.” And, if you ask any griever when this happens, the answer is: Never.
We don’t stop thinking about our husband/wife/mom/dad/sister/brother/son/daughter/baby/friend/grandma/pa. We think about them. Every day. Of course we do! They were our person! They were our people. And they still are. We don’t stop thinking about them, we don't stop loving them, and we don’t, nor do we want to, forget them.
One of the biggest fears for grievers is that our loved one will be forgotten. We can move forward, creating a meaningful life, while still thinking about, loving, and remembering our person. We can work, be fully alive, not be depressed, love new people, love people that are alive, and continue loving the person/people who have died.
This is not paradoxical at all to most grievers. If you are grief adjacent, it is relieving to your griever when you show your understanding of this. In fact, one of my favorite grief theories has named this phenomenon “continuing bonds” (Klass et al., 2014). What this theory says, basically, is that finding ways to continue staying connected with your loved one, who has died, IS the way to integrate grief into your life and move forward. (So much better than Freud, who said the griever’s task is to “cut ties with the deceased,” Freud, 1953).
2. Myth: Unicorns and rainbows appear at the 1-year mark, when “closure” happens.
Nope. See above. Closure is another myth born in a grief illiterate culture. The myth of closure promises that once we do something (I haven’t found what this something is yet?), the grief will be “closed”, and we can “move on.”
I don’t know about you, but I will never be the same person as I was before my people died. Kind of like the myth that your stomach will pop back like an elastic band after you have a baby. Don’t get me going on that myth. More cultural lies about how life isn’t messy, our bodies don’t age or change over the course of our lives, and people we love won’t die.
The only unicorn that appeared for me after a year of grieving was this mug, which I bought. I call this my “broken and beautiful,” mug because his unicorn horn broke off. And my heart feels a bit like that, now. Perhaps your heart may, too? Not broken there-is-something-wrong-with-you broken. Broken that you are heart-breakingly aware that your loved ones will die. (And maybe they did. If they haven't, they will.)
Look at this unicorn. I think it’s even better without its horn. It's been a few years more now, and “the world is full of magic” has rubbed off. That's ok- I didn’t believe that message when I bought the mug. But I wanted to. And now I do. Because magic is what we create, from living our lives fully. This mug is a Velveteen Rabbit that has been loved, and so it has become real.
This is possible for you, in your grief. You can become magic by becoming more scruffy, more broken, and more real.
3. Myth: Art is for artists.
No. Nonono. Please see this video What is expressive arts?
Anyone (that includes you) can do expressive arts. Anyone (you) can collage, do right-left hand drawings, make Universe boxes. The “product” you make in expressive arts is YOU, not the art. As a result of the art-making process, your relationship with your own inner dialogue shifts. The art making, which brings forth the rainbow way of thinking beyond black and white critic-thoughts, encourages you to listen to the wisdom that you already have inside. The art process helps you bring this way of thinking- and being- forward, from within. This is especially relevant and helpful in a grief-illiterate culture. In a culture whose grief messaging is to “move on” and “get closure,” there is nothing but more pain. When you listen to your own internal wisdom around moving forward in the unique, individual, and rainbow way that is helpful for you, your heart can learn how to stay open, be alive, and thrive. Your heart can lead the way in helping you move forward.
4. Myth: All grief groups are sad.
Some grief groups are sad. The Art of Grief group is not. We’re not a group of women trauma bonding over how our lives are over. It’s ok if you cry! Crying is welcome, as are all feelings.
In the Art of Grief group program:
You can be amongst people who get it.
You are welcome to say your person’s name.
You don’t have to pretend to be “moved on” or “closure-ed.”
We make expressive art in order to access your inner grief guide, in a grief illiterate culture.
We have fun. Gallows humor is allowed.
Because there is a relief in being with other people who share your experience. Let's explore what it is like to keep your broken heart open because it has grown bigger?
Please join us, to find out.
If you are a woman whose person has died, please join us.
Info/to apply, click: ItsNotAboutTheArt.com
Or email/call Dr. Linda at (415)335-2596 Linda@DrLindaShanti.com
